ĈAPEK, Karel

War with the Newts

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Captain J. van Toch turned crimson.  "What?" he bawled.  "You dirty Cuban, you think that I shall be frightened of your devils?  We'll see about that," he cried, rising with all the greatness of his honest fourteen stones.  "I'm not going to waste my time here with you when I have my business to look after.  But remember there aren't any devils in Dutch colonies; if there are any anywhere, then they're in the French ones.  There might be some there.  And now fetch me the mayor of this damned kampong here.

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In short, whether well or badly, the Newts could speak almost all the tongues of the world, depending on the shore they occupied. Then an article was published in Prague (in  The Patriot , I think) which (certainly not without reason) bitterly complained that the Newts did not also learn Czech, when there were already in the world Salamanders speaking Portuguese, Dutch, and other languages of the smaller nations. Our nation, it is true, unfortunately does not possess its own seashore, the said article admitted, and therefore we have no sea Newts either; but even if we have not got a sea of our own, it does not follow that we do not possess a culture equal—yes, in many respects even superior—to that of many nations whose languages thousands of Newts are made to learn. It would be only equitable if the Newts also learned something of our spiritual life; but how can they acquire it if not a single one among them is a master of our language? We must not wait for somebody in the world to recognize this cultural debt and establish a chair of Czech and Czechoslovak literature at some institution of learning. As the poet says, "The world has nothing to bestow; from our own selves our joys must flow." Therefore let us make amends ourselves, demanded the article. Whatever we have accomplished in this world we have done with our own strength! It is our right and duty to strive to make friends even among the Newts; but, so it seems, our Ministry for Foreign Affairs is not active enough in making due propaganda for our name and of our products among the Newts, although other and smaller nations set aside millions for opening up to the Newts their cultural treasures and at the same time for stimulating interest in their industrial products. The article excited considerable attention, especially among the chambers of commerce, and at least it resulted in a small handbook being published entitled  Czech for Newts , with special examples from the Czechoslovak belles - lettres. It may seem incredible, but over seven hundred copies of this booklet were actually sold; consequently, on the whole it was a remarkable success

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Some time later Sir Charles was sitting beside Professor Petrov and discussing the so-called animal intelligence, conditioned reflexes, and how popular ideas overrate the reasoning powers of animals.  Professor Petrov expressed his doubts about the Elberfeld horses which, it was said, could not only count, but also raise a number to a higher power and find the square root of a number; "for not even a normal, intelligent man can extract the square root of a number, can he?" said the great scientist.  Sir Charles remembered Gregg's talking salamander.  "I have a salamander here," he began with hesitation, "it's that one known as Andrias Scheuchzeri, and it's learned to talk like a cockatoo.

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